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Scream and shout

Young children's tantrums can be exhausting to deal with, so it helps if everyone, especially parents, understands why they occur. Child psychotherapists from the Anna Freud Centre explain

Most people have witnessed a child's temper tantrum - the sudden explosion that appears out of all proportion to the event that triggered it. For the parent or carer, tantrums can be alarming, frustrating and, when they occur in public, excruciatingly embarrassing.

Dealing with them is a big challenge, so it helps to understand why a child might fling himself down screaming in rage because his biscuit has broken or he has been told to wear his coat.

Tantrums start at around the age of 18 months as a child is becoming more aware of himself as a separate being. He wants to assert himself and have some control over his life.

Instead, he meets more restrictions as he explores his world more actively. He reacts to being thwarted dramatically because he is not yet able to express his anger and frustration verbally - he is overwhelmed by his feelings and they burst out of him.

Such outbursts are still common during a child's third and fourth years and sometimes beyond. They are a normal part of growing up, gradually diminishing as the child learns to express his feelings in words or other means.

Tantrums vary in intensity, but all are expressions of the child's feelings of anger and frustration. Some common 'triggers' are being told to do or stop doing something; being told 'No' or 'Wait'; being over-stimulated (think of holidays and parties!); being bored or failing in an attempt to do something.

A child who is tired, hungry, unwell or coping with major changes in his life, such as a new baby sibling or starting nursery, will also be less able to handle his emotions.

Parents often complain that their child is at his 'worst' with them and the scene at any nursery collection time seems to confirm this.

Children who have behaved impeccably all morning can suddenly dissolve into tears around mum or dad. They are tired and, with their parent, they suddenly relax and feel safe enough to express their feelings. Knowing that their child feels secure is perhaps some consolation for parents who are struggling with frequent tantrums.

Tantrums are difficult for adults, but for the child they can be frightening and overwhelming. He feels out of control emotionally and physically and is unable to respond to reason. He needs the adult to be in control, or he will feel even more frightened.

Shouting at or smacking the child are not only ineffective responses, but actually exacerbate the situation. The most effective approach is to remain calm and speak softly, reflecting back his feelings by saying, for example, 'You're angry because...'. If he feels it is acceptable to cry and that he is understood, he will probably regain control more quickly.

He needs reassurance afterwards - he knows he has behaved 'badly' and may fear that he is no longer loved. A cuddle and discussion of other ways of expressing his frustration will help. Any disapproval should be directed at his behaviour, not at him. He also needs to know that his tantrum didn't 'work' so that he is less likely to resort to such behaviour next time.

A parent's guide to tantrums
You're in a restaurant at a regular family event. Suddenly your co-operative toddler seems to have had a personality change. He won't sit down and is screaming and kicking. Anything you do or say seems to be making things worse.

Your child's first tantrum can be a shock - you have heard of 'the terrible twos' but he is much younger.

Tantrums can in fact start around 18 months and continue sometimes to five and beyond. They are your child's response to frustration. He wants to do so much more than he is able or allowed, and cannot yet express his anger verbally. His explosive outbursts can make you feel angry, powerless and exhausted, so it helps to remember that they are a normal part of growing up.

My child hates dressing in the morning - what can I do to stop the tantrums?
She may still be tired, is probably hungry, possibly confused by recent dreams and doubtless senses your frustration. A calm breakfast together first might help. Allow sufficient time - young children want desperately to do things 'all by myself'.

Hurrying them inevitably leads to conflict. She probably also wants some control over what she wears. Try giving her the choice between two or three selected outfits - it is much harder to refuse to wear what you have chosen!

How do I deal with a toddler who always has a tantrum when we go to the supermarket?

If a tantrum starts, remove him to somewhere quiet and allow him to calm down away from an audience. Stay calm yourself - hopefully you can return to your trolley once the storm has passed!

I find it very difficult to keep calm when my child has a tantrum. I'm afraid I might really hurt him one day.
Many parents feel angry or upset by their child's seemingly unreasonable behaviour. Remember that:

My eldest child never had tantrums but the second is quite different. Why is this?
Children have different temperaments, but often second children in the family face more frustrations - the tempting things that they are not allowed such as the older child's toys, the struggle to keep up with their sibling and the need to share parents' time and attention.

Also they are 'organised' to a much greater extent than a first child, for example going to and from school at least twice a day (with no benefit for them at all!)

Is there any way parents can prevent tantrums?
Nothing can prevent every tantrum, but it helps if you:

If a child's tantrums are very severe or frequent it may be helpful to speak to your GP or health visitor.

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