Press and Media: Nursery World Articles
Routine matters
Children need adults to set boundaries in order to feel secure and have a measure for their independence, as psychologists from the Anna Freud Centre explain
Within every family there will be certain routines and boundaries. These will vary from family to family, but they are essential if things are to run smoothly and children are to feel secure. Without such guidelines and limits, young children would have difficulty making sense of their world.
Children have always tested their parents and carers. It would be unusual indeed if a child never tried to push bedtime a little later or touched something forbidden. Such challenges are a normal part of growing up. Children need to begin to assert themselves and to take some control over their lives.
But they also need to know that the adults in their world are in ultimate control and thus can take care of them. It is important that the routines and limits set are reasonable and consistent and that they are discussed with and understood by the child.
It is also important, however, that a child is encouraged to make decisions whenever possible in order to become steadily more confident and independent. Decision-making skills can be fostered in young children by offering two or three options, rather than leaving the child with a totally free and overwhelming choice.
In recent years, bringing up a child has become difficult for parents trying to cope with the pressure on children to have the 'right' clothes, shoes and toys and to pleading to stay up to watch certain programmes or to 'finish this last game'. Although these are relatively new issues, they need to be addressed in the same way as all other boundary-setting.
What feels right will vary from parent to parent, but once decisions are taken they need to be upheld consistently. If a child finds that whining or screaming will change his parents' mind and get him what he wants, he will of course try this tactic again.
It is important for parents to understand that setting routines and boundaries is part of caring for a child; they are not being authoritarian, but are acting responsibly. For example, allowing a child to wear flip-flops or a full-length dress to nursery could cause her to have an accident.
Some parents, remembering the strictness in their own childhood, are tempted to forego all rules, but by doing so they may leave their child confused and insecure. An overly-restrictive regime is also undesirable, because it allows the child little room to develop self-reliance.
Ideally parents should try to achieve a balance where there is structure and security for the child but also opportunity for choice and independence, which can increase as the child grows towards adulthood.
A parent's guide to taking control
Routines and boundaries help young children to feel secure and to make sense of their world.
The world would seem a bewildering place if anything could happen at any time or if the same behaviour elicited different responses at different times.
Knowing what to expect and what is expected of them is reassuring. Children sense at some level that they are vulnerable and to feel safe they need to know that you, the adults, are in control.
How much routine should I have for my child?
Routines are important, but too much structure or too rigid a routine can be stifling, leaving no free time or no possibility of responding spontaneously to events.
Too relaxed a routine, that changes too readily, however, can leave a child confused and anxious. So too can a situation where there is some inconsistency between a child's main carers.
Establishing a suitable routine need not involve rigid clock-watching, but the essentials of the day need to be considered. Planning for meals, rest, activity, family time and sleep within each day will provide the necessary structure. Within this, more specific routines can be set.
A predictable and enjoyable bedtime routine, for example, will help children to settle down to sleep.
When should I take control and when should I give my child choice?
There are certain times where you must take absolute control. Where safety is concerned there can be no question of giving your child choice - holding hands when crossing a busy road and not playing with matches are simply not open to negotiation.
Where your child's health is concerned you must also stand firm - for example, he cannot go to nursery when unwell (regardless of any tears or pleading), and he must always wash his hands before eating.
Healthy eating and sleeping are areas where you need to take charge. A child does not have sufficient experience to know that filling up with sweets and failing to eat proper meals can cause health problems. He may also tend to keep going beyond the point when he needs rest or sleep, becoming unhappy and upset.
You, as the adult, need to ensure he receives good nourishing food and sufficient sleep.
Children do need to learn to make choices, though, steadily taking on more responsibility each year as they are growing up. Young children need to be offered choices as often as possible, but it is best if these are limited.
You could say, for example, 'What would you like for lunch - sandwiches, soup or pasta?' or 'Where shall we visit - the library or the park?'
What should I do when my child kicks up a fuss?
Every child will challenge their boundaries from time to time. This is a normal part of growing up. As your child becomes more aware of himself as a separate being he will want to assert himself and have some control over his life.
It is very important that he understands that making a fuss will not succeed. If you give in because he screams and kicks, you can expect such behaviour next time too.
Think carefully about your boundaries in advance. Keeping them few and consistent, and explaining them clearly, will help you to feel confident in the face of these inevitable challenges.
But my child's used to choosing his food, clothes, bedtime - how can I change it now?
If you are unhappy with the current situation, change can be effected gradually through a carefully thought' out approach.
With food and clothes, try reducing the options so that he is choosing between two or three pre-selected outfits or meals. In this way you have control over their suitability (no shorts in mid-winter or ice cream for breakfast!).
If you are hoping to introduce a wider range of foods, do so slowly, keeping some favourites as choices until the new foods are enjoyed (see 'A parent's guide to eating healthily', Nursery World, 21/28 December 2000).
A consistent bedtime routine needs to be established - time to wind down, followed by a predictable order of events. The routine should be enjoyable, but you should be firm about your child not then getting up again.
If he does so, take him back and avoid rewarding him with further drinks, stories or attention.
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